Reverse Angels
Megan McCormack
1.
I see the man beyond the fence
pants to his knees
I stand beside the swings
as he touches himself
slowly
his eyes dull
as if he is in a trance
is he looking at me
or the other kids
some of my classmates notice
and laugh, pointing
he waves with his free hand
he is saying something
the recess monitor is beside me
telling us
“he doesn’t know any better
don’t look
he doesn’t know any better”
2.
the new boy’s hair is the reddest hair
I’ve ever seen
so many freckles
at first, I thought his skin was just orange
he can’t breathe out of his nose
so every recess
when he chases me
I can hear him wheezing
right behind me
his breathing sounds wet
like he has too much spit
in his mouth
then suddenly
he catches me
in the corner of the playground
pins me to the ground
he kisses me everywhere
as I scream at him
hit him
push him
he wheezes in between kisses
one hand grabs at my body
like he forgot what he was looking for
but knows it’s there somewhere
the other presses me harder
into the mud and grass
when he is done
he says nothing
runs off towards the twisty slides
I stare at the grass and mud stains
on my hands
on my legs
on my dress
4.
I let the Hot Tamales candy
burn my lips
my friend and I pretend it’s lipstick
“we want red lips”
she says
we have a crush on the new recess monitor
everyone calls him Elvis
he always has candy, always cinnamon
he sings to us as he watches us play
he calls my friend “Hot Tamales girl”
Hot Tamales girl and I
swing our bodies on the guard rails
of the cement steps
Hot Tamales girl can do flips on them
twirling
I want to be like her, small and graceful
my hands slip
my head hits the concrete so hard
I see only white
Hot Tamales girl screams for him
Elvis carries me to the nurse
I listen to him singing
my ear against his chest
deep rumbling
his arms hold me too tightly
my head feels like it’s trying
to hold lightning inside
I focus on his music
the warmth of his chest
I want to stay this close forever
5.
I tell Mom about Elvis
she keeps asking me
the same questions about him
like I have the wrong answers
when I go back to school
we have a new recess monitor
an old lady
she stands by the door
the whole time
she blows a whistle when it’s time to come in
6.
the snow is so deep
it reaches my knees
I walk with him
boy with long blond hair
to the edge of the playground
where the snow is untouched
it’s ours
we stop and let our bodies fall
face first into the snow
we call it
reverse angels
I am buried
I look for him beneath the snow
eyes open
it stings and all is white
quiet
for a moment
I am alone
I am happy
I feel a hand grab my hand
he pulls me up
before I can tell him
to stop
we stare at the shapes
we’ve left behind
I hear a whistle.
