Only if You Want to Hear

Jamie Collins Kahn

By the time Parker and Kegan reached their junior year at their all-girls Catholic high school, they had already broken up twice. They couldn’t explain fully to anyone why they stopped being such close friends on a whim. This time, though, they were both sure that it would stick.

They were the only gay people that they knew in their town. Not that they ever thought to tell anybody. They couldn’t. People suspected anyway, they started rumors, called them dykes and freaks in the school hallways. If nothing else, it united the two of them. They’d always been best friends. They were the weird girls together, and they had one another’s backs.

Kegan always felt things much more than Parker, and her sensitivity was one of the things Parker loved so much about her. At the same time, it overwhelmed her. Kegan had nowhere else to go with it all. Parker became her sounding board for everything, good and bad, because not a single soul knew they had even been together. That they were ever more than a pair of strange friends. Kegan had pressed for them to come out. She thought it would be liberating, that it would help them become their best selves—what could be more exciting than radical fearlessness? Parker shut her down every time in whispers, trying not to sound frustrated as they lay in Kegan’s bed together.

It was easier for Kegan to think about that stuff. She was the only child of a single mom who, although conservative, was kind and understanding. Kegan suspected on more than one occasion that her mother might know she was a lesbian, but still it remained a silent issue. Parker, on the other hand, was the youngest of three sisters, and the only one still in high school. The only one left unmarried. Her parents were true Catholics who had sent her to this school for that very reason. Before school, they watched Fox News together every morning over nauseatingly big breakfasts that her mom cooked up. Her dad still used words like faggot, and when she mentioned in passing that she might want to cut her hair short, both of her parents reminded her every day for the rest of the week that if she did this, no boy would want to date her. They were the kind of parents that might even kick Parker out of the house if she told them she was gay.

Even knowing this, Kegan kissed Parker’s cheeks slowly and softly behind the luxury of her closed bedroom door as she begged for what felt like the millionth time for them to go to the homecoming dance together. “I don’t want to go with some random dude from the boys’ school again. It’s gross. I just want you.”

“That would open up a huge can of shit. You know it. My parents might kill me. What would I do then?” Parker heaved a sharp breath out and frowned. “Just go alone. That’s what I plan on doing.”

“If your parents hate it that much, you could stay here. My mom loves you.” Kegan gestured with the slight nod of her head to the locked bedroom door that was only allowed at her house.

“Your mom loves me because she doesn’t know I’m your girlfriend. I’m done having this conversation.” Parker felt like she was about to cry. Instead, she swallowed hard. Kegan didn’t understand the gravity of what it would be like to have your whole family hate you in an instant.

“I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you make it out to be,” Kegan said.

“That’s really easy for you to say when you’re not the one risking everything. What if my parents kick me out? What if they hate me? You’re already my only friend. Do you want me to just depend on you for everything?” Parker’s words stuck in her throat as she croaked them out. Her face was so close to Kegan’s, but the loneliness crept around her incredibly fast.

Kegan’s mom knocked on the door, asking if they wanted to come downstairs for dinner. Kegan’s mom asked them about their school day and offered a warm smile, but still the three of them ate in near silence that night. The silence stretched as Kegan reached for Parker’s hand on the way to the front door, feeling it go cold and limp in her grasp. In the dim yellow light of the front porch, Parker told Kegan that she didn’t want to be together anymore before biking home in the chilled darkness.

They didn’t speak for three months after that. Kegan went to homecoming with someone from the boys’ school. She made a few friends, and at the dance, she looked for Parker, who wasn’t there at all. All night, as she slow danced with a boy who smelled like pine and Old Spice, she wished that she could touch Parker’s hair, smell her cherry blossom conditioner, stroke the side of her blush-toned face, and pull her in close for a kiss. She tried to forget about these feelings all evening. For the next three months, she kept trying to forget.

She discovered that she liked hanging out with some of the other unpopular girls from their school. The kind of girls that got made fun of for being virgins rather than being dykes. And sometimes, she even found herself liking boys. She liked the way they looked sometimes, and she felt both fear and relief in the possibility that maybe this meant she wasn’t even a lesbian anymore. But she knew that that could only be true if she stopped loving Parker, which never happened. Kegan wasn’t sure that she wanted to be out anymore. Without Parker, everything felt so confusing. Parker made her sure of herself—sure of her longing to come out without considering what anyone else thought—but without her it hardly seemed worth it.

Parker didn’t make any new friends. She remained a loner, and in a strange way, when she saw Kegan with her new friends at school, she felt happy for her. But it was a distant sort of happy. It was somber and tinged with the slightest hint of jealousy that she could be so happy without her. Mostly, this was the result of Parker still being in love with Kegan, while at the same time she feared that Kegan had forgotten about her entirely. She went about her days reading quietly in study hall and sitting alone at the back of the school bus. Whenever she saw Kegan, she turned her head just slightly in the opposite direction so her dark hair shaded her face as she caught the end of a sentence or laugh in a conversation with her friends.

Kegan started dating Jimmy, someone from the boys’ school, right before Christmas break. It seemed that a few of the girls in her immediate circle had begun to show interest in boys, and Jimmy seemed nice enough. She feared that if she turned him down when he asked her out, people would wonder why. They would start to suspect things. So, even though she didn’t like him that much, she accepted his invitation to begin officially dating.

Parker only heard about the new relationship from her mother, who had seen Kegan’s mother at their church’s charity bake sale.

“I always thought Kegan was a good influence on you,” her mother said as she washed the brownie pans, empty from the success of the church event. “She always made good grades. And so polite.”

It was all Parker could do to keep from giggling or crying. It was one of those days where the loss felt particularly heavy, and so much of it came from the urge to laugh with Kegan about everything. The sudden, biting urge to share something, only to realize that it’s lost entirely.

By the time all of the girls returned to school in the new year, a slushy sheen of snow on the ground soaking through each and every black Mary-Jane and onto the argyle socks beneath, Kegan had already broken up with Jimmy, but Parker did not know about it yet. All Parker knew was that Kegan was late to her locker. Kegan was never late. Parker watched for Kegan a little longer than she would normally allow herself to, peering around corners on the lookout for Kegan’s sweet dimples and swinging brown ponytail, but there was no sign of her anywhere even after the bell rang. As the girls scattered like mice into their classrooms leaving the halls cold and empty, the tile floor wet from snow-slick Mary Janes, Parker walked slowly towards Kegan’s locker. The air was quiet for a moment, and just as Parker was about to give up and head to homeroom, she caught a glimpse of Kegan walking in through the side entrance of the school.

Kegan looked like hell. Her hair was frizzy and damp, and she looked pale in the face, like she’d spent all morning outside.

When Kegan saw Parker, who was clearly staring at her, her face turned surprised and determined. Kegan rushed over and quickly took Parker by the limp wrist and dragged her into the girls’ bathroom. The heavy wooden door clicked as she locked it behind them, the white glow of the bathroom lights turning Kegan an even grayer shade of pale. She motioned for Parker to check underneath the stall doors for feet, and Parker followed immediately, shaking her head to signify that they were, in fact, alone. Their heavy breaths echoed against the acoustic walls.

“Hi,” was all Parker could say. She stood a full arm’s distance from Kegan—probably more than that. Like they were strangers.

“I’m sorry, I know that you probably don’t want to hear from me right now.” Kegan looked down at her wet shoes as they squeaked on the tile. “You’re just the only person that I felt like I could come to about this. I’m glad I found you.”

“So, you dragged me into a bathroom to tell me a secret?” Parker asked.

“Only if you want to hear,” Kegan said. When Parker nodded, she continued, “I think I might be pregnant.”

Parker didn’t even know what to ask first. The only thing that she could think about was the fact that Kegan had actually slept with someone else. A boy, no less. It hurt her, even though she knew it probably shouldn’t. She was the one who dumped Kegan in the first place. “What do you want me to do about it?” Parker asked. The words came out harsh, but she didn’t correct herself.

Kegan’s eyes turned damp, but not teary as she looked up at Parker. “Well, I was wondering if you could come with me to the drugstore so that we could get a pregnancy test together. I broke up with Jimmy over winter break, but it wasn’t about this or anything. The baby’s not even his. If there is a baby.”

Parker swallowed hard, trying not to be rude in her shock. “Whose is it then?” she asked, her stomach dropping with concern. “Did somebody do something to you? Maybe we should just go to Planned Parenthood.”

“No. God, it’s nothing like that. He’s an older guy. Catherine’s brother, actually. You know, the junior student council president? But she doesn’t know. Nobody does.” Tears welled up in Kegan’s eyes.

“Jesus, okay. What should we do?” Parker asked.

“I need to get a pregnancy test.” Kegan looked at Parker with her big, dark eyes. Though she didn’t say it, the implication was obvious that she didn’t want to be alone.

“I can go with you during lunch,” Parker said.

“I can’t wait that long. I need to know now.” Kegan’s eyes bugged out a little more, looking even sadder.

“So you want to go like now now?” Parker asked, like it was an annoyance. But really, she knew she’d do anything for Kegan. “Fine.”

Kegan thanked her, and the urge rushed over both of them to hug, but neither girl so much as reached over to grab the other’s hand.

They snuck out the side emergency exit, only a few feet from the first floor bathroom. The coast was clear, and they made a break for it easy enough. The air was fresh and cold the moment they stepped out the door, cars rushing through the grey winter slush on the surrounding streets. As they waited for an opening and rushed across the street to the drugstore, soaking their shoes even more in the snow, it was almost as if they had never stopped talking all those months back. It felt natural, being together again. Schlepping through adversity. They found the pregnancy test at the drugstore almost right away, and Kegan handed it off to Parker to pay without even asking. Parker didn’t bother fighting it. She figured that Kegan was having a bad enough day already. But before going up to the register, she picked up a small bag of Swedish Fish, two packs of raspberry bubblegum, and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

The old lady at the register gave Parker a look of exhaustion through her thick-framed glasses. It was a look of having seen this too many times before.

Parker opened the bag of Doritos before they even stepped out the door of CVS. “So you’re not gay anymore?” she asked, somewhat timidly, the weight of the plastic bag suddenly heavy in her hand.

“I think I am, though,” Kegan said. “I still, you know, like girls.” Kegan’s shoulders tensed up as a flush of red rushed over her cheeks.

Parker rolled her eyes and smirked. “You slept with a guy. I’m assuming you slept with him without a condom, too. God, that’s rich.”

Kegan stopped and faced Parker straight on. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Parker shook her head. “Just that you were so gung-ho about coming out. And now, you’re just like the rest of those straight girls.” Even though she wanted to stay mad, her voice quivered the slightest bit. Parker didn’t understand why liking girls wasn’t enough for Kegan. Why liking her wasn’t enough for Kegan.

“I don’t think I am. I didn’t even like him,” Kegan said. But she did like him, not as a boyfriend, and not nearly as much as she liked Parker. She knew that she liked him at the time she decided to sleep with him at least. But she didn’t want to make things worse with Parker. “Do you want me to apologize or something?”

“No.” Parker stepped closer to her, the wind and noises from the cars whipping all around them.

“Well, what do you want?” Kegan bit the inside of her cheek and squinted in concentration, waiting for an answer.

“Let’s go inside so you can take that test.”

They entered through the emergency exit. As they ducked for the bathroom, Parker almost wondered out loud if she’d get detention for cutting, but the timing didn’t seem right for that, so she kept quiet. She held the plastic bag tight, bunched up in a wad of her fist right at its neck, before the handles. The box with the pregnancy test sat between the Swedish Fish and the raspberry bubblegum.

They closed and locked the door of the wide handicapped stall as they slowly placed their things to the ground. The plastic bag, their backpacks, lanyards with their school IDs. Those pictures of their shiny-faced freshman selves. Parker took the pregnancy test out of its small cardboard box and its plastic packaging, handing it off to Kegan by the wider end. Kegan squatted over the toilet and held the test underneath the stream as she peed. “Am I getting it?” she asked.

“I think so,” Parker said as she leaned the slightest bit down to catch the right angle.

All they had to do was wait. Just as Kegan set the test down carefully, as if she were afraid she might hurt it, onto the boxy metal toilet paper holder, the pair heard the door swing open. Kegan almost asked Parker why she didn’t lock the door to the bathroom this time, but she didn’t even get a breath out before Parker put a finger to her lips and mouthed quiet.

It was only one person, but Parker and Kegan both froze up. Even as they did this, taking short breaths and remaining still, the footsteps moved slow and steady towards the handicapped stall. The door shook once, and neither girl said anything. The owner of the footsteps bent down to check beneath the stall. Parker and Kegan saw knees hit the tile floor, then a green plaid uniform skirt. “Oh my god!” Catherine, the junior student council president screamed at the sight of two pairs of feet beneath the stall. “Are there two people in there? Who is that?”

“Nobody!” Parker said, her throat croaky and tight. Kegan’s eyes went wide as her jaw tightened.

Catherine bent down again and pointed at their school IDs. “I knew it! Parker and Kegan, lezbos. Ew, are you having sex in there? Oh my god, you’re having sex in there!” she said, and made a forced dry-heaving sound.

Kegan opened the door just slightly, enough to hide the pregnancy test still developing as it rested on the metal box. “We’re not having sex in here, I promise, we’re not.”

“Then what are you doing?” she asked, crossing her arms over her sweater vest.

Parker stepped closely behind Kegan, though careful not to get too close. “That’s not any of your business,” Parker said with a scowl as she exited the stall. The two girls stood in front of the door, afraid their classmate would charge past them and find the test. What was worse? Being gay, or getting knocked up?

“That means you’re having sex in here. That’s against the school handbook, and it’s disgusting. I think I have to tell the principal. Or Sister Brigit.” Catherine pursed her lips.

“Please don’t.” Kegan thought of the unrelenting nun with her deep frown lines, who would surely give them detention. “Parker was feeling sick and I came in here to stay with her. But she doesn’t want to miss chem later so she wouldn’t go to the nurse. You won’t tell the nurse, will you?”

Catherine glared at them with beady eyes, like she was ready to jump over and bite one of them, but she only chuckled and said, “Alright, just a couple of damn nerds, then.” She turned to walk out and let the heavy bathroom door slam behind her.

Parker ran to lock the door at the first sign of clearance, and they both sighed in relief, only to tense up again at the realization that the test had to be ready by then. They moved slowly towards the stall door, Kegan leaving room for Parker to go ahead of her. She didn’t want to say she was scared, but it was clear that she was. She wanted to close her eyes, ignore the missed period and the cold sweats. But all she could do was ask, “What does it say?”

Parker took the fat side of the pregnancy test in her hand and looked down. One thick purple line as clear as day. “Not pregnant,” Parker said, holding the test out to Kegan. “You should throw this out in the dumpster behind Shoprite. The one on the way home from school. Don’t want anybody finding it.” She picked up her backpack and turned around to leave.

“So that’s it?” Kegan leaned towards Parker with just the slightest hint of desperation.

Parker stiffened. “What else do you need me for?”

“I don’t know. A lot of stuff.” Kegan looked down at the test in her hand. “Do you miss me at all? You know I miss you.”

Parker turned to face Kegan. “You’re a straight girl now. You don’t miss me.”

Kegan shrugged. “Sleeping with one boy doesn’t make me straight,” she said, a little too loudly.

Parker was afraid for a moment that someone might hear her, and this made her feel the slightest bit guilty. Parker dropped her backpack onto the harsh, dirty tile and took a step towards Kegan. “Okay, so what. Do you want to get back together?” Her voice softened.

“I don’t think so, actually,” Kegan said. She searched Parker’s face, her expression an amalgamation of anger, sadness, and confusion.

Parker’s eyes glistened.

Kegan thought she saw a tear, but Parker wiped her eye with her sleeve too soon to tell. She picked up her backpack again and walked out, letting the heavy door slam behind her.

Alone in the bathroom, Kegan realized that she meant exactly what she said. She still loved Parker. But they weren’t good together. Maybe that made her a bad lesbian, or a straight girl. She didn’t know. But she didn’t want to keep feeling sorry about it.

Kegan finally picked up the pregnancy test for the first time since peeing on it. No baby. Just like it all should be. She wrapped the plastic wand in toilet paper and stuffed it into the deepest pocket of her school bag. She would throw it in the dumpster after school, the one that Parker told her to. On the floor of the stall, the plastic CVS bag sat intact. She wasn’t sure if Parker had left it for her, or if she had just forgotten it. Part of her wanted to leave it there, but instead, she sat down on the floor of the stall, tiles cold as they pressed against her legs.

She opened the bag—tore at the plastic with a vengeful second wind—to find the raspberry bubblegum. Pink packaging, paper dry and soft in her hands as she opened it, stuffing piece after piece in her mouth. She wanted to cry, and she could. Nobody was there to tell her not to feel things. But instead, she just kept chewing, the candy far too stiff, but still sweet.