Nomad’s Lad

Steven Mayoff

The door is ajar. Usually there are all kinds of sound effects coming out of Colin’s room, car crashes, bombs exploding, machine guns, but all you hear is the muted sound of keyboard taps. You take a breath. Both hands steady, holding the tray. Steam rising from the bowl, a slice of carrot bobbing on the broth’s golden sheen. You nudge the door with your hip.

- I brought you something to soothe your throat. Don’t give me that, Colin, you’re always hungry. But if you’re going to have it in bed you have to pause the game and put the laptop aside. Do you want me to put an ice cube in it to cool it down? I know you’re not a baby anymore. Please stop acting like one, a simple no will do. Fine, I’ll just put it on the side table.

Should you mention how his father has been calling you at work? Almost every day this past month. Sometimes belligerent, sometimes maudlin. Swears he hasn’t been drinking. Keeps apologizing for what happened the last time he had Colin. He’d only meant to go out for twenty minutes tops, meant to surprise Colin with a pizza. But he didn’t show up back at the apartment until sunrise. Found Colin asleep in his clothes on the sofa. No supper, nothing. Of course, you had to put your foot down about the visits. Even Colin understood his father had crossed a line that time. That’s when he started grinding his teeth in his sleep. What the doctor called bruxism. Teeth gnashing. You have no doubt it was caused by being left alone all night at his father’s. Now he has to wear the mouth guard at night that he hates so much. Especially with this cold, when he feels so stuffed up. Can’t breathe through his nose and finds it hard to breathe through his mouth with the mouth guard. But you keep telling him, nagging him, that he has to wear it or he’ll grind his teeth to nothing. Something else the both of you can thank his father for. But you don’t say that to Colin. You promised yourself never to turn him against his father. Let the son of a bitch do that all by himself.

- I need to talk to you about something… Please, will you pause that thing? Don’t give me that, Colin, games can pause. Not another one of those blood and violence ones, I hope. A survival game? Whatever that is. But you can still pause it, can’t you? Say again, what’s it called? Nomad’s Lad? That’s cute. I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to tease. I know you can’t help being all stuffed up. Don’t sulk, Colin, I’m not making fun of you. No Man’s Land, got it. Here, let me empty your pail and get a fresh box of Kleenex.

He’s threatened you before. Knocked you around a couple of times too, before the separation. Thankfully not in front of Colin, although he noticed the welt on your arm that one time and kept asking about it. Obviously saw through the lame excuse, bumping into a door or whatever you told him. You had to assure him his father apologized, which he did. When isn’t he apologizing? But now that you put your foot down and stopped Colin from visiting him, he’s become unbearable. A restraining order would only make things worse. They can issue those things all they want, but when it comes to enforcing them…

- Okay, show me the game. You’re in the desert. This is you, your…what do you call it? Avatar, right. I see, separated from the caravan that was headed to the tower. Why is there a tower in the desert? Sorry, you’re right, stupid question. Sure, it’s just there, the place you need to get to. The point of the game. There’s no caravan and now you have to get to the tower on your own. I see it, that small dark thing. Right, it’s far away. So, the closer you get, the more miles you cover, the more points. Got it. It’s faster when you walk upright, but the more points you lose the less energy you have. Then you have to crawl. This arrow lets you move left, this one right, forward, backward. I know the drill, thank you. Yes, I’m paying attention. Find an oasis and you get ten points, get stung by a tarantula, lose ten points. Finding a camel is twenty points, but heat stroke you lose. What’s happening now? A sandstorm. Do you lose points for that? Okay you lose miles because it sets you back. And when you gain points? You get tools to help you. An umbrella to keep the sun off. A canteen of water. A knife to open coconuts at the oasis. Ooh, look at that, the way the blade flashes under the sun. Yes, very cool graphics, honey.

There’s so much that can go wrong with this plan. He can be volatile, especially after a couple of drinks, but he also gets sloppy. Just make sure you keep your wits about you, don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position. He’s coming over to see Colin, to get back into his son’s good graces after leaving him alone all night. You just have to prepare Colin that he’s coming over. He’s a sensitive boy. As long as he feels safe, things will be okay. If you get the timing right, the rest might work out.

- That thing I mentioned? The thing I need to talk to you about. So, here’s the thing, it’s your father. I had to let him know you weren’t feeling well. Because he asked, that’s why. And he wants to come by. To see you, why else? He’s concerned, that’s all. Don’t you want to see him? I know what I said, but sometimes. Sometimes it’s better not to be so…so rigid. Okay? Will you pause that bloody thing? For Pete’s sake, please say something.

Screw him if he thinks he can get custody of your son. You’d think leaving the boy alone all night would disqualify him. Says he was driving around town looking for a meeting. All night? Claims he started going to AA after we split up. He thought it would be better to leave Colin in the apartment rather than take him. A good lawyer could argue it was all in the boy’s best interest. How his father is trying to change his life around. We’ll see how well that story holds up when he gets here and starts searching the cupboards for his Chivas Regal. I could offer him some. Would that be too obvious? Or maybe leave the cupboard door open. Hide it in plain sight.

- What is it about this game that you like? It’s not as loud and violent as the other ones. It doesn’t move as fast. Really? You like that? How strange. What is it about the slowness you like? That’s true, being sick can do that to you. But I don’t get what you mean about the desert. It looks so empty, so flat. I would have thought that would bore you. All your other games have so many images, all those flashing lights. The emptiness is the point? What do you mean? The point of what? You have to do things differently. That’s the challenge. How you find the treasures, how you avoid the dangers. I think I see. The clues aren’t always obvious, so you have to look in a new way. I think I get it. Moving slow is part of the skill. Show me.

It’s weird, the things that occupy a ten-year-old boy’s imagination. It’s easy to think they’re all the same. In some ways they are, and then something changes. It’s fascinating to see him change. It can also be terrifying. Sometimes you can’t help feeling you’re missing something, part of him slipping away from you. You feel frozen in a way. That ingrained fear that comes with loving him so much. What to hold on to and what to let go of. By all rights the both of you should be working together, his father and you. Trying to figure out a way to do what’s best for Colin. For all you know the story may be true. He might very well have been driving around all night looking for an AA meeting. He has his own ideas of how to bring up a ten-year old boy. How to find the treasures, how to avoid the dangers. But is that fair to Colin? Leaving him with a man who’s too focused on himself? A boy needs stability. Needs to know he’s safe, that he comes first.

- Supper? I don’t know if he’s going to stay for supper. Do you want him to? Maybe it would be better to see how things happen as they happen. He might already have plans for supper. But we can keep the idea open for another time. Oh no, what was that? A viper? Oh dear, did you get bit? There go the ten points. Floating up and disappearing. Like an angel. So, how long do you have to crawl around like that?

Maybe if you take a wee nip of the Chivas first. Something to relax you. Stop your jaw from clenching before you need a mouth guard of your own. Just a quick gargle to take the edge off. Let him smell it on your breath. Let him think your guard is down. Let him think it’s an even playing field. Put the idea in his head. One drink won’t kill him. Of course, one always leads to two. He can always go to a meeting afterward, if that story is real. If he wants to talk custody, you can always do that. Let him think the subject is open. Negotiable. That’s when you tell him about the leak in the furnace. You’ll need to show him exactly where it is. And be sure to warn him about the burned-out basement light. There’s a flashlight in the utility drawer he can use to look around down there. And if he decides to take a swing at you with it? Anything can happen. It’s all happy families one minute, and then things have a way of taking a different turn. Which brings us to this drawer. All those knives. Decisions, decisions. This blade could use a little sharpening. There, that’s better. Nice gleam on the edge. See how neatly it fits in your apron pocket. And if anyone asks? You were cutting something at the kitchen counter. Vegetables for supper. Something like that.

- Okay, that’s the doorbell, Colin. He’s here. I want you to remember one thing, and I know you hate hearing this, but I love you. You’re my little nomad. I know, gross. All the same, you mean more to me than anything. Whatever happens, everything will turn out all right. Moms and dads sometimes get confused. Sometimes all that love just gets too big. Becomes overwhelming. It can cast a huge shadow. Towering over us. But then it starts to slip away. Getting further and further. Until we lose direction. Until we don’t know where to turn anymore. And then. Suddenly there’s a path forward. Something we never thought about before. I’m sorry, honey, I know it doesn’t make much sense. It’s just adult stuff. A different kind of game, I guess. But no matter what, you need to remember you aren’t to blame. None of this is your fault. At first things might seem like they’re going too fast. But after that… The thing to remember is not to worry. I’ll always take care of you. Everything will all work itself out. If we just take things slowly.