Born Famous

Joseph Ponepinto

His chubby cheeks belie his importance in cultural circles. To the uninitiated, he could be any child of two; cute beyond belief and powered by bursts of erratic, frantic energy. But sitting with him over lunch at the Bowery’s de rigueur hangout, Huertas, Jakob Hollander revealed the side that cast him into the popular spotlight at birth, and has kept him there throughout his first twenty-four months. His fame, like the wealth of America’s super-rich, was seemingly preordained, trumpeted in the tabloids as soon as his mother announced her pregnancy. Born of artistic royalty—scion of producer Melvin Hollander and actor Taylor Grey (she of the recent blockbuster Ardent Femme)—he took to his role among the glitterati from day one, and hasn’t tired of it. He has his father’s probing eyes, his mother’s high forehead and delicate chin, and from what I perceived during our conversation, a commitment to status that they both share. He’s been on the cover of People twice in his brief career (the first time in utero), and has been short-listed for the magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” for 2017. Apart from the occasional tantrum, punctuated by sweeping his high chair clear of food and flinging utensils in the direction of other diners, he behaved like the prototypical twenty-first century celebrity: polished and passionate, ridiculously self-assured, and at once real yet unapproachable.

Interviewer

Although your parents are each famous in their own right, and surely prepared you as best they could for the world you were to enter, were you ready for fame?

JH

I don’t know if anyone is, honestly. You focus on the art, on the craft, and not on the prize. When it’s successful, you can take some time to appreciate what you’ve accomplished, but you mustn’t take too long, and then you go back to what you were doing, which is the act of creation, and just as importantly, its defense.

Interviewer

But you never had to do that. Essentially you came out of the birth canal famous.

JH

First of all, it was a Caesarian. More to the point, fame is less of a reward than a responsibility to maintain and drive a set of cultural standards. Every society creates a hierarchy, the upper levels of which, by definition, produce a certain amount of notoriety and wealth. The fact that I was tailor-made—pun intended—to carry on that tradition implies that I’m eminently qualified for it.

Interviewer

So you’re saying that your creative talent is not necessarily in the service of any tangible pursuit, such as music or filmmaking, but in the evolution of the concept of fame itself.

JH

Well said. To the public it might seem an esoteric, obscure aspect of the fame milieu. Some people do well at their calling and become famous, but that doesn’t mean they know how to act once they achieve that status. Someone needs to set the bar, to show the world how to be famous, how to court the spotlight and yet eschew it, how to carry oneself amid the ubiquitous media and public appearance requests, and do it while both staying aloof from the crowd and cultivating their adoration, all the while planting the seeds of future fame. I have a unique ability to pursue all facets of the fame Hydra, because as a baby, I can do almost anything and get away with it. That’s my art. It’s my raison d’être, my birth purpose, so to speak.

Interviewer

As long as we’re on the subject, tell me about the pre-birth months. What you know of them, that is.

JH

I’ve been hiding something about that, and I think it’s time to reveal a truth. At first my mother was planning on using a sperm donor, since my parents were living apart at the time. Thank God they reconciled and decided in favor of an in-family conception. Still, the technique was in vitro, and I have to thank Dr. Abe Frankel of Cedars Sinai for his guidance and expertise, or I might not be here today—at least not the me you see in front of you. In thinking about it, had they gone the rent-a-squirt route, my DNA might have been half Hollywood, half trailer park, and by now could have resulted in a butt full of tattoos and a meth habit. To answer your question, it’s difficult to relate specific details, but I have an impression that my term was filled with a combination of classical music and theater—to provide a foundation—as well as aspects of popular culture, everything from EDM to reality TV—to ensure currency. A typical day, Mom tells me, might start with a reading of Shakespeare, or more specifically a film adaptation of the bard—something like Shakespeare in Love—and could wind up at a club, or at home watching some old Seinfeld reruns. And of course she had to deal with the constant media crush. Every tabloid from Santa Barbara to Timbuktu wanted an interview. She tells me three paparazzi were arrested trespassing on the compound grounds, trying to get photos of her mid-term girth. So as you see, I came into this world with more background than most of my peers have garnered in a lifetime.

Interviewer

And after two years, how are you handling it?

JH

I have a manager, and a publicist, and all sorts of support staff who make sure I’m where I need to be when I need to be there. They’re a wonderful crew, and honestly, I couldn’t maintain this level of celebrity without them. I mean, imagine me trying to hail a cab being only two feet tall. For Chrissakes I only learned to walk a few months ago, so it’s not like I’m ready to run out into Manhattan traffic to flag down a hack. So I don’t have to deal with the hassles of fame that some others do. But please don’t get the idea that I’m somehow isolated from the public, or handled in a way that keeps me distant from my fans. After all, the people are the backbone of my career. They read the magazines and watch the shows. Their money pays for my Tribeca condo and the spread outside Jackson Hole. It covers my travel, my staff and more toys than I can count. I take that very seriously, which is why I spend at least an hour a day personally dictating answers to emails from the public. It’s a balance, and I think I’ve handled it nicely, considering my lack of longevity in the business.

Interviewer

Do you stay in touch with your parents?

JH

The short answer is no. Mom’s career makes it tough to get on her schedule. I’ve only seen her twice since I was weaned—from the wet nurse, by the way. With the success of her latest, she’s been getting offers virtually every day, and that makes it hard to get through her screeners. And our travel itineraries seem mutually exclusive, so it’s not like we’ll run into each other at Cannes. Too bad. I do miss her. Dad, frankly, is another story. He’s become something of a recluse. Hasn’t been seen in public for months. He gave himself a bad reputation when he lobbied so hard for a Best Producer award at the Oscars, so it’s understandable. But I do wish he’d come out again and put all that behind him. A certain percentage of my fame rests on his fame, and if he’s not doing his share, it can hurt.

Interviewer

You could have stayed in LA and made a very comfortable existence for yourself doing talk shows and guest spots on Kimmel and Nickelodeon. Instead you chose to move to New York. What attracted you to the city? Maybe a secret dream to do live theater at some point?

JH

I won’t say I haven’t thought about that, but it wasn’t the reason. In fact it’s quite simple. I had met Neil Patrick Harris at a charity benefit, and we had a wonderful conversation about the biz, during which I must have lamented a bit about the lack of creativity in West Coast entertainment circles. A few months later, he called. Out of the blue, mind you. Apparently he heard I was between gigs. Said, “Why don’t you come to New York for a spell? We’ve got room in our place, and it could give you the opportunity to explore new avenues in the fame game.” NPH as my mentor? Needless to say I was on the next plane. I barely packed. One change of clothes, my favorite teddy bear, and a toothbrush—which I admit was a strange choice since I don’t have any permanent teeth yet. Speaking of strange, the only things I brought to read were some Strindberg, Samuel Beckett, and one of Strasberg’s books on method. So you may be right about my theater ambitions. But as you mentioned, I’ve never really done anything like act or sing—it’s all been focused on the fame aspect—so at this point theater would be a stretch. I've been meaning to talk to Neil about some advice on how to get started, though. He mentioned he knew quite a few people on Broadway, as well as his Hollywood connections.

Once I’d settled into Neil’s place, I fell in love with the city—with the energy, the excitement of knowing this was where the greatest artistic minds in the world mingled, not in that other place. We could be out for a midday stroll, Neil in tennies, me in the buggy—and of course whichever of his staff he brought along to push me—and we might run into anyone from De Niro to Spike Lee to Tina Fey. I love her, by the way. Huge fan. I remember looking up at the skyline and thinking how lucky I was to be here, and to have another seventy, eighty, ninety years to enjoy it, all without ever having to work for a living.

Interviewer

So despite your stated efforts to stay connected to the public, it appears you mostly travel in celebrity circles. Rumor has it you’ve been seen with Serena Williams. Anything happening there?

JH

We were both in Paris for the Open. Serena to play, obviously, and me to observe and be observed. She’s a wonderful person. Really down to earth when she’s not on the court. In fact she hates to talk game when she’s relaxing. But we’re just friends. In any case we both travel too much to make something like that work.

Interviewer

But let me get back to something you mentioned at the beginning of the interview, which was an allusion to society’s hierarchy. So many people would love to be famous, but the field seems to be shrinking in a way, closed off to talented and intelligent newcomers who don’t have the connections, in deference to the privilege that you exhibit, the kind that comes from geniture and cronyism. Movie roles go to sons and daughters of well-known actors. Music deals and book contracts get handed to people because of who they know, not due to talent. Your own case is the classic example. Honestly, what have you done to deserve your fame?

JH

I’ve heard that criticism before, Joe. I can call you Joe, yes? On the surface there’s some validity to it, but consider the impact of an entire class of people raised in an environment of fame. You can go to school for years and learn what it takes to become a doctor, or a lawyer, or an architect. There’s no such formal training in the realm of fame, so the decorum with which a personality handles his status has to come from somewhere. Look at the kind of people who have fame and don’t understand the first thing about living with it. I’m talking about the ones who beat the odds and make a name for themselves. You know the type: reality show stars, white rappers, NASCAR drivers. For a lot of them, six months after they achieve their fame, they’ve dropped off the radar. Why? They squander their celebrity on bling, but do nothing to ensure their future. Fame isn’t a goal, it’s a state of mind, and you have to learn to live in that state. It’s the twenty-first century version of the bodhisattva.

Interviewer

Can you give me some examples of who you’re talking about?

JH

Don’t set any traps for me. I won’t name names. We all know who they are. In comparison, for me, fame has been bred through the generations. I didn’t inherit my status from my parents alone. My father’s father was an executive at MGM. His father built sets in the twenties. My mother’s mother was a body double for Barbara Stanwyck. There’s a tradition of fame in our family that gives us the ability to do it right, to carry our fame with grace and dignity. It doesn’t have to be connected to talent. And, um— um— hang on. I think I just had a BM there.

Interviewer

Need a break?

JH

No, I’m well pampered.

Interviewer

Clever. So we were talking about the divine right of kings.

JH

Touché. I wouldn’t put it that way, but there is a certain aspect of destiny involved. The qualities of fame aren’t picked up on street corners. Lineage and breeding factor into the equation. Ultimately, though, it’s the public’s fascination that ensures celebrity.

Interviewer

Their adoration—

JH

That’s nice if you can get it, but one can be infamous too. Sometimes the more people despise you, the more famous you become. I know some politicians who thrive on that.

Interviewer

So if you weren’t famous, what do you think you’d be doing?

JH

That’s like asking an eagle what it would be like if he couldn’t fly. Although I love my followers, I have no desire to live like them. I probably couldn’t if I tried. That would be, in a way, disrespectful. Patronizing. They don’t want me to live the way they do. The reason they’re fans is because I embody a life they aspire to—or at least think they aspire to. And as long as I give them a certain access to that life, they’re content to live it vicariously.

Interviewer

They aspire, perhaps, but as you said, they have little chance of getting there.

JH

I won’t sugarcoat the realities. Honestly, their chances are about the same as that of a poor child being accepted at Yale or Harvard. There are exceptions, of course, but for the average person, fame has to remain an unreachable dream. But it’s a dream nonetheless. That’s the point, I suppose. The hope of someday becoming famous keeps people trying, keeps them living. Look at how many people say they want to become famous actors, musicians, even writers. Granted, it’s a stupid dream—they have no idea how to go about achieving fame, and even if they did they have almost no chance of success, but they carry that hope around with them for years, until they finally see the foolishness and the time and money wasted, and they either commit suicide or sit at home in their underwear and never go out.

Interviewer

Anyone you know?

JH

Just a composite.

Interviewer

It sounds like a tautology, but basically you’re saying fame should be the domain of the famous. For everyone else, sit back and enjoy the show. It makes me wonder what Warhol would say.

JH

If you count YouTube videos and porn as forms of fame, then Andy was right, everyone gets their fifteen minutes somewhere along the line. And by default that kind of fleeting, empty notoriety diminishes the prestige once associated with being well known. Honestly, that’s the media’s—and I include the internet here—effect on our society, and the cheapness it attaches to status will be its shameful legacy. But there is such a thing as real, lasting celebrity, and it’s something that people respect. So many talk about equality and opportunity for all, but most people don’t really care about that. They want classism. They want people to look up to. They enjoy having others they consider better-looking or more fortunate than themselves placed on pedestals. In a sense, the famous are today’s gods. Our world has done away with most monarchies, and to a large extent with religion and its icons. But people still need—in fact they crave—others they deem worthy of worship, or at least of obsession. Whether it’s to praise and mimic, or to criticize and condemn our excesses, the people need us. And here we are, proud to be of service. As I said, it’s human nature, and it’s not going to change. You know I could go on about this, but it’s time for my nap.

Interviewer

Of course. I didn’t mean to overtax you. One last question, though. When can we expect that requisite memoir? Have you started writing it?

JH

Joe, you know that no one famous writes their own stuff anymore. I’m still in the search phase, trying to find the perfect coauthor. Besides, I don’t have the patience to sit in front of a keyboard all day—most babies don’t. I’m more of an idea and implementation strategy guy. I delegate well, and frankly, it gives me a great feeling to know that I’m creating opportunity for others to achieve. We’re all just corporations under the skin, aren’t we? And remember, corporations are people—ha, ha!

Interviewer

It’s been great talking to you, Jakob. Now that I’ve had this experience I can’t help but think some of your fame will rub off on me, once this interview is published.

JH

Now, Joe, don’t tell me you’re one of those dreamers. Haven’t you been listening? Fame isn’t a disease that you can catch by breathing the air around me. But if it will help, you can always say you bought me lunch. Check, please!